22 days to surgery

and the preadmissions appointment is this wednesday, so the surgery is feeling very real, like it will actually happen. no longer is it something tentative or possible. and that’s a good thing, but also a bit nervous-making.

what i’m supposed to do between now and the surgery? what should my state of mind be? should i be trying to get a bunch of stuff completed? should i be writing good letters to dear friends and reminding you all how much i care for you (just in case)? should i be figuring out what to pack for the hospital, what music and youtube videos to store in my digital suitcases?

best case scenario i’m in hospital for a few days and then have to take it easy for a bit. in which case, no need to get too much done ahead of time.

worst case scenario…well, i don’t want to dwell on that.

with my volunteer duties for Bywords, small press activities for AngelHousePress and my own work, i have a short list of 10 essential things to do in the month of september. i realize that some of these things will have to slide if i’m in hospital longer than a few days or if there are any complications.

in November, after a month in  hospital, i didn’t really care that things were a bit late. it wasn’t a problem. i was alive. also i was just too damn weak to do all but the bare minimum for weeks after. almost dying has a way of making you understand what the important priorities are.

i am a planner extraordinaire though and normally i like to contingency plan for the worst case scenario. what happens if readers don’t show up at readings or musicians? i make sure i let participants know about timing etc. i add additional participants if i think there may be an issue. i save for taxes. even when i was a kid, i formulated escape plans for if things got really bad. i’m used to preparing for the worst.

in this case, though, i don’t want to do that. i can’t even consider or let myself consider the possibility. my brain is telling me to do things like make a will, hold those i love even closer. when i saw you last, i should have embraced you, i think to myself…

instead i need to focus on the positive and see this experience as just a wee interruption of activity that will contribute to improvement in my quality of life and make me stronger. a small excursion out of the ordinary.

and when i am out of the hospital and strong enough, i will put the needle back on the turntable and the music will continue…