sex, love and polyamory

i bloomed in my mid 30s and since then have had a healthy appetite for sex. post hospital i have taken time to get my libido back and physically have been too fragile for any rambunctious undertaking. Charles has been loving and patient and understanding.

my polyamory and high libido mean that over the years i have loved well and have been well loved. long term lovers who are also friends have been understanding too. mostly just glad that i am on this side of the grass, never mind the bed.

the intimacy remains and for that, i am grateful.

but i do miss seducing and being seduced a little bit. i used to glory in talking strangers into bed or being talked into bed myself.  i admit it didn’t take much (she winks). i was at the peak of confidence and sexuality. i don’t know if i will ever feel that confident again. i am scarred now, but that doesn’t detract from my allure, Charles tells me. and then there is the bag. i am lucky with Charles. during our very gentle sexual activity, he doesn’t notice it at all and i admit that neither do i. the bag may go, but i still don’t know that i will be as unbridled again. not in the same way.

also i was never casual even in what is referred to as casual sex, always a misnomer in my opinion. i enjoyed the one time affairs, poorly named as one night stands. they were beautiful and i have fine memories of them. however, if i was intense before, i am even more so now. i have noticed strangers on the street lingering on me. i have been told my eyes sparkle even more than they did. i savour each moment and hold onto it so tightly. i can’t imagine many prospective lovers being anything but scared off by this bright light of mine.

friends however, close friends who know me and who have seen me at my lowest, without lustre, are happy to see me so alive and so lively.

polyamory means different things to different people. it has its flaws just as any other type of relationship. for me, in these months that i am healing, the sexual aspect of it has taken a back seat to the love. i love more than one man but am capable of being sexual only  with Charles, who has seen everything of me, including my goopy insides and knows how to be gentle with me.

i love friends who have become more like family in their caring for me and Charles while i was sick. i love those who took the time to send me cards and letters and who greet me on the street like i am Lazarus risen from the dead. i feel gratitude and love for the medical staff at the Ottawa General who took such amazing care of me even when they didn’t believe i would survive. i am in love with the day. i am in love with feeling things, even sadness or discomfort. i am in love with breathing in and out. that is my polyamory these days.

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One Response to “sex, love and polyamory”

  1. 2010 in review-something cool Wordpress does! « Firebirds and Phoenix Says:

    […] sex, love and polyamory June 2010 5 […]

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